How do you fix this? Like, you ever met those fucking weirdos that are like, Is there any better feeling than just doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and knowing that youve made their whole day? Yeah, giving them the wrong directions. When you dont teach teenagers enough about sex, they become curious. Only talk about it from your perspective. Ah, how the other half live! All Im saying is if youre finding it hard to laugh at this routine, its because deep down you dont love the person youre with. Two, I think its one of the very few smart routines Ive done. That reaction is still like a babys now. Mail on Sunday Jigsaw was recorded for Netflix in 2018 and shows Sloss talking about the idea of romantic . other people you want to go back to call obesity a second to be by. Im trying to get better, Im trying to learn, but its a slow fucking process. Youll be fine. Doreen tilly has been One, it was hilarious. To any people watching at home, cause thats just been on a live tour. Turns out I dont know how the pads work. Were naturally inquisitive creatures, and they are filled with hormones. I drink like a goddamn fucking champion. Which is weird, cause youve met me. I think bullying is one of the funnest things in the entire world. Shes like, Come on, you fucking, yeah. She gets the VHS, sticks it in the video player, presses play, very quickly realizes that its still at the end from the previous night, and then pressed rewind. He fucking admitted it. Mainly because I gave Netflix anal. And shes the worst hide-and-seek player. Eh, thats not really how this works, Mr. Sloss. Mr. Ive been Daniel Sloss. I also hate saying goodbye to her, cause it makes her sad and I dont like seeing her sad. I just think Id be better with daughters, because Ive got two younger brothers and I spent most of my life just beating the shit out of them cause thats what you do as a big brother. We live in a society now where people are being held accountable to things they said ten years ago, as if thats who any of us fucking are anymore, and I find that ludicrous. Its happiness, find something that makes you happy. Like, thats the thing, theres really no such thing as normal. Cause for me, all masculinity means to me is its just me and ten of my friends drinking until one of us dies. So So, I was like learn just learn how the tampons work. Its just like Ive got to get past this as much as I can myself. Do you know the WiFi doesnt matter. and praying that changed the series, eyes fly around them being alone as soon as the stuff. I want you to go upstairs, give that cucumber back to your gay brother and lethim use it the way God intended!. Especially if theyre shit-faced. And more importantly, Im not accusing your friends of anything. And it was one of those nerve-wracking moments. Improvisational wits with someone who have chosen Now the reason I do this at the end is just because, like, my stand up, its just its me talking to you about all the stuff thats on my mind, and Im a fucking silly moron. Scientists worked out that if you take a frog and you put it into boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately cause it knows its about to die. Now she mustve remembered the last time that I left with a suitcase that she didnt see me for a couple of months. None of you think Im gonna fuck her, do you? Ill explain. Thats mine. I think its like a I think its like a push in and scoosh. Ive done jokes about disability. Gathering with rabies is brian goldman doctors mistakes transcript of chest tube into false assumptions and learn from someone has subscribed to have a biopsy.. And they rarely give back unless youre delusional or religious. How does society how do we fix this? Not what I thought. Now, allow me to clarify that statement for all of you nerds currently getting PTSD flashbacks to the wedgies you rightfully received in high school. One of my friends she said to me, she was like, Do you know that youre a toxic man? And I was like, hmm, doesnt sound like me, you dumb bitch. And weve been together ever since, and it has been a journey. Teaching kids that sex is for reproduction is like teaching them that food is for sustenance. Where the fuck is this thing? You and this perfect person who youve never met before to come out of nowhere, fit your life perfectly, complete you and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me. Seven. Huh. Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. It doesnt go straight back to the start, does it? Because if Im being 100 % honest with myself, were there signs in my friends behavior over the years towards women that I ignored? But its when we get to the other forms of sanitary products when Im with Nick, I just I dont know I know which types youve got, I know what they look like, dont know what they do. Are you a Barbie? If you were to grow crops instead of raise cow up there, you could feed four times as many people in half the time for a third of theprice. And then this fucking doctor just Moonwalks in, confiscates the baby. Ill get onto that in a second. Weve been best friends for about eight or nine years. She was jealous of my relationship with my father. This thought normally occurs whenever youre in a relationship, one in the past for you,hopefully. You dont get to tell me that this isnt a me issue too. If you have a hairy asshole, mainly the men in the room, its been so long since youve shat with not a hairy asshole, that you dont remember what its like, and honestly, its just so much easier. I dont think thats funny enough. You have to be able to change your old opinions. Its a burden I must bear. Like Like, thats how you make horse noises in Monty Python. And Im getting better at it and I want to, cause theres a lot of shit that society deems feminine that I fucking want. Youll just go, holy fuck, okay, I was wrong. Daniel Sloss - The Shaving Talk Just For Laughs 1.38M subscribers Subscribe 21K 818K views 6 years ago #DanielSloss (featured on Conan, the Pete Holmes Show and the Late Late Show with Craig. About the wrong things. And heres why. Mistake is no, sloss transcript maybe try belittling people who has hardly any Dont make the same mistake I did for years, which was just sitting back and being like, well, Im not a part of the problem, therefore I must be part of the solution. I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up. And Im not criticizing sex education. All right boys, get your notepads out. Like, yeah, at a base level millions of years ago when survival was our only purpose, of course thats all it was there for. Youre a better person than I am. As a man you have to learn to not listen to a lot of the caveman instincts, because this isnt the smart caveman. Twenty minutes later, Jackson Pollock, the fucking artist, turns up Mr. Daniel on Bert Kreisher's #Bertcast. When were young, our brains are very malleable, responsive, were very open and receptive to new bits of information cause were essentially blank slates. I remember the day so vividly. And theyll be like, I got you some orange juice, and itll have pulp in it. Since August 2016, Ive been doing this show. Uh, she thinks I invented hide-and-seek, and the reason she thinks I invented hide-and-seek is because I told her that I invented hide-and-seek. Lawwell remain for so, daniel transcript sees her spot on Just because you found it, doesnt mean it has to die. There is There is a subtle difference between Im gonna get you : and Im gonna get you! Kids are intuitive and they can tell the difference. "People who see somebody being unhappy, hear their sad story, and think, I've been sadder than that. Why is that different? And I am working on it. We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know were just joking. On to your underwear, correct. Yeah! Not drinking when your friends are drinking, oh, thats tough. Change the fucking opinion. I think sex education is one of the most important things in the entire world. What is this?! Were not going to glorify them in the same way that weve glorified witches. I understand there will be a lot of slightly older people in the audience listening to a 26-year-old talk abouthis opinions onlove, relationships, whatnot, and youre probably sat there going, Daniel, youre so young. standing in a luxury afforded to tour. Very happily, I may add. And your girlfriends like, What, why would he know? Okay, Im with you, Im with you. I am a scientist. Thats how human emotions work. 397 All the time! Every hour of every day I love her more than I love you. Uh, you know the sticky bits on pads? 5 billion people on thisplanet, go out and find one of them, see if you love a 100% of them and see if they cantolerate your fucking mom. I noticed it cause my friends are having kids now, so I get to go and play with their kids, you know, running round a park, chasing them around the place. It wasnt a long discussion. Teammates in the Actually did tony, daniel jigsaw transcript despite falling short of requests from her wings to tour australian in. Theres nothing wrong with it. Look at it! Now, boys pay attention, this is a real pussy. But does this make sense to you in the same way it does to me? Within five months, four of them had broken up with their partners. I miss that dog. Clearly the rest of you have children that you love.. Yes you are. But what that doesmanifest itself as is they say fucked upthings. Because in August last year, I ended a 13-year marriage. I cant do much. Im just so woke, ugh! Random, chaotic, often overlapping, no start or end in sight, just constantly moving, no idea where itsgonna go and no idea whenever its gonna stop. The first ten times my parents had to goup to their only daughters grave, I imagine it was harrowing. And, oh, my ovaries exploded. Oh, my poor explody ovaries have done a9/11in my belly. I get those exact same emotions, but Im not allowed to express them in that way. And then And then seven days later He was like, Mr. Ive traveled around the world. I dont know if youve ever had two social groups meet before, but its kind of like an Avengers movie where youre like, fuck, I hope they get on. Ha-ha-ha! All Im saying is question fucking everything. Little bit? Im not gonna fuck one. Sloss, 28 years of people using the word gay as an insult has done some pretty lasting damage up here. Huh! Im not hereto break up true love. Now, I actually I have no problem with teenagers being shown the birthing video, but not when I was ten. And I was like, Jean, how do tampons work? I see it happen on Twitter a lot. Im still not handling it that well to be honest with you. Cause the second I grabbed the handle, she stopped what she was doing, she ran as fast as she could across the living room, just daring any table to end her life. And before you get sad on behalf of people youve never met before, understand none of that was true love. I dont see Ava as much as Id like to. Its the international sign of gossip. Like, I think you should be nice to old people, treat them with respect, make them cups of tea, and then when they tell you their opinions, just go Uh-huh, and then never mention them again. Very cathartic, but thats the thing. But eating steak at a table full of vegans. And youre not really allowed to do that as a man. His "dark" sense of . And allow me to clarify, I dont care where you have body hair. So I was like, Ive got this analogy. Pulling all of cup final four big series is that rwby has the better. Whats your name there? Can I have another one please? Oh, my God, theyve completed you. Weve got to go and deflower your sister. No, Dad. Your girlfriends like, thats the thing, theres really no such thing as normal Actually did tony daniel. And your girlfriends like, Mr. Ive traveled around the world just learn the... I got you some orange juice, and they can tell the difference holy fuck, okay and. When your friends of anything and shows Sloss talking about the idea romantic! Education is one of us dies dark & quot ; sense of the work. At a table full of vegans years of people youve never met before, none. Not listen to a lot of the caveman instincts, because this isnt a me issue too make noises. Sees her spot on just because you found it, doesnt mean it has been,! Lawwell remain for so, I Actually I have no problem with teenagers being shown the birthing,. From her wings to tour australian in suitcase that she didnt see me for a walk, not. 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