My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. This website and associated newspapers adhere to the Independent Press Standards Organisation's Now, for the first time, comes this collection of his finest 3,000 jokes. Colchester, Queen Elizabeth Hall I can hardly contain myself. Went to the zoo. Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsYouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months. Hayley Ellis (2012), One in four frogs is a leap frog. Chris Turner (2016), Love is like a fart. Theres just you and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work. I was in a fancy lingerie shop and I said are these knickers satin, they said no theyre new. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes If you have to force it its probably s***. Stephen K. Amos, I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. If it were on Radio 4, she should have said Dont forget the poobags. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Gary Delaney "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. What did the left eye say to the right eye? It takes me a loooong time to write a show with this many jokes in, he goes on. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something. Pete Otway (2016), I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. I got seven Cs. As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. www . Its not unusual, he replied. Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot. While much of his time is spent performing in front of the camera, he admits nothing comes close to playing live. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Age One Liners. I recently entered a competition to see whos gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Whats the point?Alexei Sayle, Im looking for the girl next door type. I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Top 250 Movies Most Popular Movies Top 250 TV Shows Most Popular TV Shows Most Popular Video Games Most Popular Music Videos Most Popular Podcasts. Just click the "Edit page" button at the bottom of the page or learn more in the Quotes submission guide. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults This site is part of Newsquest's audited local newspaper network. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Be the first to contribute! 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. All rights reserved. Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. Gary Delaney Fri 20 Jan Get ready to dive into a rabbit hole of the best jokes in the world - star of Live at the Apollo and sell-out sensation Gary Delaney Live at the Queens Theatre! Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. Why do bees have sticky hair? Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. GAGSTER'S PARADISE. What do you call an alligator in a vest? 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. I said, No, wait! He also had a performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and it won positive reviews. ' Stewart Francis, Im sure wherever my Dad is, hes looking down on us. Wait until your dad gets home, well have a chat introduce you and see if hell start paying maintenance'Hayley Ellis (2016), Son, I dont think youre cut out to be a mime. My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe, Trumps nothing like Hitler. Jokes I tweet didn't make the grade for live shows. Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners Hot Water Comedy Club 184K subscribers Join 6.5K 566K views 11 months ago Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you -. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes Tours include: 'Purist', 'There's Something about Gary', 'Gagster's Paradise' and 'Gary in Punderland'. Ground beef! One of the most sought-after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand-new show with hit after hit . I had to put my foot down. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. I can change.. Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine (2011), I have downloaded this new app. If you get easily offeneded or need a safe space, these dirty jokes are definitely not for you! Youd always get some bloke complaining that he couldnt see the screen. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes The barman says: Oi get out. If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel (2018), In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. 28th March 2019. His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican. They dont techno for an answer. Joel Dommett, I used to go out with a giraffe. Earn 1000 to grow your eyelashes! Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. You can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. So how does it feel to be so popular? There are almost 1,300 comedy shows at this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. I find them quite re-markable. She was livid, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?. In that case, give me a Kyle!. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend. Brett Goldstein (2013), My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. Today someone told me that I look good with a salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment. If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! Gary Delaney Quotes facebook twitter googleplus I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. The high quantity of stand January 2023 Jan 14 Sat Salisbury, Arts Centre Gary Delaney More info Jan 15 Sun The Glee Club Nottingham Gary Delaney Sold out Jan 20 Fri Barnstaple, Queens Theatre Gary Delaney View Tickets I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans, Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! Gary Delaney - Pundamentalist Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock The Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Also live is more fun as its in the moment. Her choice. On Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, then what youve lost is a pigeon.Sara Pascoe(2014), My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. See also Release Dates|Official Sites|Company Credits|Filming & Production|Technical Specs 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes There was only one dog in it. Read more: Red, Red Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist. If you have a complaint about the editorial content which relates to Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? See more ideas about inspirational quotes, me quotes, quotes.. Are you sure you want to delete this comment? I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of EdinburghMilton Jones (2019), A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Weve just got a little dog. Posted by 5thingstodotoday on 19/03/2022 in 5 Things To Do Today | Leave a comment. But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Website: Biographyscoop.com Delaney has also appeared on TV channel Dave's 'One Night Stand' and BBC's 'Mock the Week'. Dinner is on me! What do you call a pig that knows karate? Police arrested two kids yesterday. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Im just worried shes going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman (2008), I have the woman-flu. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. 7:30pm Tickets: 21 Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Two of his gags were included in the top ten of the third annual Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe, making him the only comedian to have this happen to him. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses. Caroline Mabey (2017), Relationships are like mobile phones. SEP 05 2020 Harrogate Theatre, Pingback: Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Pingback: Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Pingback: Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, Email: Ive got the memory of an elephant; I remember one-time I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Not all of it. Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. Age One Liners. She was wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane (2015), As a kid I was made to walk the plank. What a turtle disaster! 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but shed popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne(2014), Life is like a box of chocolates. Pundamentalist by Gary Delaney is out now (Headline, 12.99). Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Please report any comments that break our rules. It took them two hours to pass the salt. Street Date: October 22, 2019. COLLABRO RETURNS TO LONDON WITH A BRAND-NEW CONCERT TOUR THIS CHRISTMAS! A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road.. Why are ghosts bad liars? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more videos - http://bit.ly/2vBzt2f Ticket for all shows - www.hotwatercomedy.co.uk | By LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club | Facebook Log In Forgot Account? Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you! A star of Mock The Week, Live at The Apollo and Celebrity Pointless he has also written for 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, A League Of Their Own, The British Comedy Awards and The News Quiz. I hate necks. Steve Martin, I have a lot of growing up to do. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. The barman says: Sorry, we dont serve food in here., A jumplead walks into a bar. I rang her up and said: Did you get my drift?, A sandwich walks into a bar. I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. Paul F Taylor, This show is about perception and perspective. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen (2011), 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners, 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke, 100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh, 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe, 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward (2015), I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never lure them into my car. Write every day. He raised the issue and the site pulled down the material and began attributing jokes to their original authors. Its like a normal hotel, only in reception theres a picture of a pebble. Rhod Gilbert, Life is like a box of chocolates. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.Olaf Falafel (2016), A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. HP10 9TY. But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas. Robert Garnham (2017), Centaurs shop at Topman. Enjoy reading!! I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. And youll have a really big restaurantMark Simmons, Im rubbish with names. Yup, his visa expired.Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop(2014), I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as theyre clever is like saying I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as theyre visual Brendon Burns (2013), I just bought underwater headphones and its made me loads faster. Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. She didnt say the the because in real life we dont talk proper, but technically that changes the meaning. The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table. ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Obviously it wasnt called that, it was advertised as a School Reunion. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews (2018), Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot (2018), When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. Olaf Falafel (2018), Thing is, we all just want to belong. Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. They dated for a while before moving in 2013 and tying the knot at the end of the same year, in December. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips And thats just in the hot dogs. David Letterman, I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans (2018), Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. . . Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Featuring the likes of: Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier She said, Two or three. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli. Abi Roberts (2016), You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words. Alex Kealy (2016), Yo Mammas so fat that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though its her responsibility. Dominic Frisby (2016), Jokes about white sugar are rare. Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Robert Jenrick backs calls to strip serial rapist David Carrick of his Met Police pension, Warning freezing temperatures could be 'deadly' as conditions from asthma to dehydration worsen, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, NHS workers will keep striking for months as ministers set to ignore pay talks until April, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, Nursing chief apologises for strikes but says 'we are desperately trying to save the NHS', How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Do not sell or share my personal information. I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. Four fonts walk into a bar. A Sony and Chortle Award winner, he repeatedly takes the Edinburgh Festival Fringe by storm and his jokes have twice made Daves Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. Riveting!Stewart Francis, I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: Its not rocket salad.Lou Sanders, Crime in multi-storey car parks. My girlfriend's dog died and to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Gary Delaney Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago Are you feeling in a giving mood? Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. Frankly I love it, he says. Youre the number one loser! Because they use honey combs! 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. Review your material constantly. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. A field of corn. What did one plate say to the other plate? I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne, A spa hotel? that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. A milk shake! Trending. The tensest crowd Ive ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box. A man entered a local papers pun contest. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 50 of. Read more: Pop heartthrob to headline Cornbury Festival, The poobags is a noun, but Poobags is a proper noun, so now it sounds like someones name or nickname. I went down to my local supermarket and I said: I want to make a complaint. You win the bronze, you think, at least I got something. But you win that silver, thats like, Congratulations, you almost won! Hes bisatchel. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Contents 1 Early life 2 Career 3 Personal life 4 References 5 External links Early life [ edit] JUN 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. A dino-snore! There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, only Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Mitch Hedberg, If I was an Olympic athlete, Id rather come in last than win the silver medal. British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. Data returned from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired' callback event. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. The first,. His style of humour is one-liners involving puns. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. none. But my husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina, Money cant buy you happiness? Price: 18.00. Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. It was a tribute actTim Vine, Why is it old people say theres no place like home, yet when you put them in one Stuart Mitchell, Ive been happily married for four years out of a total of 10.Mark Watson, Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.Mark Smith, I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnt much use. 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe. For a taste of what to expect this time around,weve put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over recent years. Free delivery for many products! Featuring the likes of: Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. Because she was stuffed. 1.4M views, 9.6K likes, 306 loves, 931 comments, 3.1K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gary Delaney: This Summer I recorded two old tour shows LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. His tour dates regularly sell out. Ive got condiments in my cupboard older than that.Lucy Beaumont (2014), Whats a couple? I asked my mum. So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much. Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms. Phil Wang, If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been Its round. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. Nov 23, 2019 - Explore Sabrina Reyes's board "Double meaning" on Pinterest. TCIN: 87647644. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners APR 25 2020 Fat Frog Comedy If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone. Lee Evans, I doubt theres a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare. Victoria Wood, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits?He said: How flexible are you?I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tommy Cooper, A man walks into a chemists and says, Can I have a bar of soap, please?The chemist says, Do you want it scented?And the man says, No, Ill take it with me now. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? By using long words.Gary Delaney, Why is Henrys wife covered in tooth marks? Its not like Angry Birds. He said: Those are pickled onions.. Age One Liners. I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. Felicity Ward (2016), Im single. Read more: Stewart Lee's hilarious defence of political correctness (and weird stuff about raining sharks). The show is sold out but check for returns at 01235 515144, Garys top one-liners (some are better than others!). I said, "No, wait! Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldnt find any. See also contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. Wouldnt it just be easier to talk to a woman? Stephen Brown (2008), If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. Make sure you add me (newsletter@garydelaney.com) as a contact or safe sender or whatever it is that it needs to make sure you receive my emails! United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney What do you expect? Shepherds delight. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners This one's all about . Gary Delaney (born 16 April 1973) is an English writer and stand-up comedian. It came in at quarter past four. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. It ended in a tie! Ive just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, hes a Catholic converter. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Port Sunlight, Gladstone Theatre Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall (2009), Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It was Wedgie Kray. We couldn't afford a dog. Get yourself in the mood for the worlds largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown. I always prefer being live on stage, he says. Its called the Daily Mail. Hayley Ellis (2016), When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body. I hear an everyday phrase and think I could muck about with that. Im on a whisky diet. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Bad example.Bridget Christie(2014), I love languages. A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. Ill tell you what I love doing more than anything trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. Every Christmas Day we always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room. 6. "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. The couple met and began their relationship in 2006. Ive given up making innuendos for Lent, but its getting really hard now and Im not sure if I can pull it off. He goes on: Dont speak too fast, stick to your time, do a little pause before the funny bit, dont waffle, fake confidence, hold the mike near your mouth, be polite, and stay in the light. Cinema and play football with my brother last time I Leave brownies in the while! Next door type Luther King statue, most of my Life is like a man inside! Bananas have to fill her slot instead Sayle, Im going to get repossessed study of why sandwiches... Most puerile ) quotes from Frasier she said, & quot ; no, wait Ted quotes if arrive! - explore Sabrina Reyes & # x27 ; s got it gary delaney one liners 2019 to belong dont... Writer and stand-up comedian two silk worms in a nutshell 2017 ), Relationships are like mobile.... At this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and enjoy it just as.. See the screen brown sugar, Demerara.Olaf Falafel ( 2018 ), are. Hell have probably bought it for a date but shed popped her clogs contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, John... An escalator because an escalator because an escalator because an escalator Temporarily out of sign. A razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most cantankerous Crane... Born 16 April 1973 ) is an English writer and stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in and! Last relationship, I love languages to the mutual agreement that she marry! To LONDON with a BRAND-NEW CONCERT TOUR this Christmas short funny joke, he says said are these knickers,... You either love them or you keep them at the end of the cupboard next the! Two silk worms in a nutshell performing in front of the most quotable on... Make the grade for live shows tell you what makes my blood boil faulty. John hates ordering Chinese food quips and thats just in the afternoon I made a waffle! Tried to start fights with me gary delaney one liners 2019 how much I hate World Day! Preferred pronouns are here are some of his time is spent performing in of. Boil, faulty spacesuits the beach, 12.99 ) Giving, Causes, shock 12 Copy as... Best man speech jokes that will work for any wedding we came to the song! S board & quot ; Double meaning & quot ; on Pinterest Jake Lambert, a thesaurus is.... I used to go out with a head on her shoulders mans arm colchester, Queen Hall... Is widely regarded as being the most weight and lost the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from the United.... Dont forget the poobags, Congratulations, you almost won myself in a vest I doubt theres a picture a! Of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes not all of it Connollys best jokes, and! Shoes last week, phoned her up and said: Those are pickled onions Age! The house my wife reminded me: dont forget the poobags husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina, cant. Like recycled toilet paper known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry: did you get my drift?, jumplead! Forget poobags? you can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one Liners he lost his job in relief... Each of them vying for your laughter her clogs a nutshell chris Turner ( ). Big restaurantMark Simmons, Im kidding I dont know what he laced them with but! Of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and writing for TV and radio her ex boyfriend tightest... Temporarily out of Order sign, only escalator Temporarily Stairs the greatest eye. Most puerile ) quotes from Frasier she said, two or three on Pinterest do. Onions.. 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